Who am I?

 

     How did I get here?  That question is one that is hard to answer.  A lot of soul searching.  Many times trying something only to see that it didn’t work.  Life’s ups and downs:  thinking something should be,  only to find out its is not.  There is a saying, “If you want to see God laugh;  tell him your plans”. 

 

     Who am I?  I am the only son of a single mom.  Reared with love,  and always encouraged in everything I did.  Mom was at all of the football games.  Our house was the one that all of the friends wanted to hang out at.  Told that I could do or be anything I wanted.  My biological father was told to leave at birth.  Mom remarried when I was still very young.  I had my wonderful step father.  He unfortunately was in an auto accident, and passed away when I was  in the second grade.  Now,  I know many of you will say therein lies the problem.  You would be dead wrong.  I had a close family.  Many of my male uncles and cousins stepped in to fill the gap.  I had plenty of strong male figures that would take me out to ride horses, shoot guns,  drink beer, and kill pigs.  I knew early on that something was not right.  Instead of killing pigs I would rather be playing house with my friend across the street.  we would take turns cooking on her EZ bake oven.  I would play house with my cousin from out of town.  We would trade clothes,  as well as gender roles.  When we were caught we were spanked very harshly for that in front of one another.  At least I was shown what my limits were.  At least I knew what to be ashamed of.  I was put into my first of two Christian schools.  I started playing on the playground with the girls.  I was paddled by a wooden paddle 12 times in the principal’s office with my pants down.  Once again,  I knew my limits.

 

Where am I now?  I am married.  I have a wonderful wife of 22 years.  She is amazing.  She accepts me.  The thing is there is no guide book for hetero sexual couples going through life with a male to female transgender spouse.  Helen Boyd’s “She’s not the man I married” comes close, but she also laments the lack of resources.  The thing is;  she didn’t run to the hills- like she should have.  This could be a testament to the love and respect we have for each other.  It could also be that she is as crazy as me.  There is a quote, and I am unsure of the author;  “The damaged and broken love the damaged and broken”.  I was just being sarcastic.  She is my world;  she is my soul mate, and if I ever lose her I am sure I deserve it.  She keeps me grounded.  Oh yeah;  I am also a father to three adopted boys,  a hedgehog, a pug,  and a cat.

    Where am I?  Physically I am in a large city in Texas,  but I am from a small conservative city in Texas.  Psychologically,  I am a newbie.  I fought her for several years.  I tried to pray her away.  I tried to hate her away.  I tried to therapy her away.  I tried to drink her away,  and once I tried to kill her.  I tried everything:  Paratrooper in the army,  sports, guns.  Nothing worked.  I have a tendency to sometimes pull out the miraculous.  I got to the point that I was losing my ability to function.  I was distant and cold to the ones I loved.  My wife recently said that at that point she was convinced I was having an affair.  That would have been easier to explain.  OK,  getting back on the topic.  I blindly selected a therapist from the phone book.  As it turned out,  she was the area expert on gender identity disorder.  She listened to me talk without saying much for the first two sessions.  On the third session, I was expecting a course of treatment to put the girl inside to death.  What I got was this:  tell your wife;  she has a right to know.  Accept it.  I told her that her diagnosis was wrong because I am utterly repulsed by the idea of being with a man.  The therapist said that transgender lesbians are not uncommon.  She said that the truth can be surmised from an answer to one question.  If no ones feelings were going to get hurt;  if no one would leave,  if I could leave and start over anonymously in another city as a woman full time would I do it?  The answer was yes.  She told me that the best way to view being transgender was it was an animal;  a hungry unyielding beast.  In either life or a suicidal death; the beast does not go hungry.  Ultimately,  she gets what she wants.  The beast always wins.  I asked her about really making it subside:  she said to quit whining and put on my big girl panties.

     I don’t want to give all of my plot away at the beginning.  There are still different items from my past I will bring up over time.  Different trials and tribulations.  I will discuss how Baptist boy from Texas,  is a Wiccan girl on the inside.  My bride Lillith Raine will guest and give you her unfiltered honest thoughts.  We will talk about our lives together.  The Spanish phrase that specifically describes our life is Mi Vida Loca,  if that gives you any insight.

3 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. So wonderful to read another transgendered individual in a loving marriage. Our stories may be different, but I see some similarities as well, and that gives me great comfort.

    -Maddy

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