“Leave; the kids will be sad, but they have experienced loss before. They will get over it.” My bride said within the walls of our beautiful new home. I had become distant and withdrawn. Thick walls had gone up where once there were none. Rock steady on the outside, but hiding on the inside was a terrified child. I wanted to say what I was dealing with, but afraid it would just add to the trauma. Lilith was sick; recovering from a very severe infection, and had been through several surgeries. My mom had heart trouble; cancer, and was fading. Our oldest son was a socio path, among other mental issues. This didn’t include financial turmoil that permeated our lives.

Things in so many ways were just the way they always were; falling apart. I felt that I was being selfish. My therapist said I needed to be truthful with my wife. Too much drama was already going on. No way I was going to add to it. Fuck it, I will just bitterly swallow it. Better to suffer in silence. I did suffer; but so did everyone else, not in silence.

I was the petulant child throwing a tantrum; refusing to use my words.
It was easy to see everyone else’s problems, but of course, I had none.
Just oblivious to everything around me.

Looking back, I couldn’t have made it with out her. Even with everything falling apart; she was what I loved. I felt like my soul was sinking; drowning because of the weight pulling me down. I was so scared. Afraid of talking in my sleep. Brenda would try to break out, but I would stop her. I would do what ever I had to do to silence her. Death seemed better than letting her loose. I shuttled between hate and depression.

I have regret. I regret I kept the secret from Lilith. I regret being that mean person. I regret the pain I caused; the distance I put between me and Lilith. The only thing that my delaying coming out did was add suspicion. Was I having an affair? What was wrong? Anger, anxiety, depression…each one a weight dragging me down to a depth where my soul disappeared. Further down in the abyss; another piece of me dies. I thought maybe if enough of me dies, I wouldn’t have to see those eyes in the fucking mirror. The pain of steel digging into my flesh almost dulls the pain inside. The scars on my soul run deep; the ones on my flesh fade over time. Lilith saves me each time; pulling me out of the pit.

Sometimes I am successful pushing Brenda away. If only for a short time. Sometimes she feels like Obi-wan Kenobi. If you strike me down, I will return stronger and more powerful than before.

The dreams…they don’t stop. They come more often. They are more vivid. They are beautiful. They are wonderful. They are depressing. they are scary. they are terrifying. I get the joy of seeing myself in the mirror. I get the horror of seeing myself in the mirror. I get the sadness of seeing myself in the mirror. Does it stop? Does it end?
I have no answers. I have anxiety. I have pain. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of hurting the ones I love. I am tired of hurting Lilith. -Brenda

2 thoughts on “Pain

  1. Calie says:

    As someone who has fought transitioning for many years, I can relate to much of this.

    This is a very powerful post, Brenda. I’d like to feature it on T-Central because there are many others out there who can benefit from it. Please let me know if this works for you.


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