My night will collide with morning, probably without the benefit of sleep. Too many demons this time. They just smiled, and kept on coming. This just feels like one of those nights that would have me screaming in my sleep. I just can’t do that. I will sleep later, after my middle and baby are at work.
God I miss Lilith. She was my strength, when I was week. My Éowyn. My shield maiden. My dragon slayer. My soulmate.
I had lost myself. I was in the Army, at Ft. Benning. I had a counselor that outed me to my first sergeant; he in turn, threatened to put me to the battalion and wife. Emotionally, I was at the bottom. I took a razor blade to my wrist. I told my wife that I was depressed and couldn’t take it anymore, and the army was discharging me. I had planned to get her home and finish killing myself.
My bride drove us, our dog, and our cat, two days. All by herself. I just sat there; in a daze, sleeping. I can’t hear Melissa Etheridge’s Sleep While I Drive, without crying. I won’t go into detail but everything turned out ok. I had to go back to Georgia. My bride pestered the battalion commander daily, until my discharge came through.
She was my soulmate. We knew each other’s thoughts. We were part of each other’s future.
She made me do things I didn’t want to do. She made me do the right thing.
Every time I tried to break down, she stopped me. While she was going through dialysis, I tried to have a nervous breakdown. She would stop me.
She had to see our baby graduate high school. Less than a week later, she had a major stroke. She couldn’t sit up. The part of her brain that controlled her equilibrium was damaged. The neurologist wanted to send her to a rehab hospital. We talked. I told her that I couldn’t live in a world without her. I had to promise I would stay to take care of our pugs, cats, and our youngest. She worked hard. She left the hospital using a walker, but under her own power.
She ditched the walker; but she couldn’t walk the dogs on her own. She loved to drive, but she never drove again. We never made it back to North Padré Island. The grocery store; once a week, was all she could take. The last mall trip, she made it inside to Bath and Body Works. She was worn out.
Every time I find something humorous on my phone; I look to her side of the bed to show her, I forget. I dream a thousand dreams nightly, that she lives in. I can’t sleep because she will not be there to wake me when I scream; to comfort my tears. To hold me.